Friday, March 20, 2009

this ever happen to you?

I took my small child with me shopping, halfway through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took my little one with me into the restroom. If you'd been one of the ladies in the restroom that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall:

''Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now? Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?''

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity.

My child continued:

''Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh ... Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!''

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me. Where is a screaming new born when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting. Trying to divert him, I said, ''Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy. We'll both have some!''

''No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies...Oh! Mommy!''

My child started to gag at this point.

''Uh-oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!''

As the gags became louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall.. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.

''Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!''

My child grunted and tried to pull me off now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door.

''Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door? What were you wooking at? Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?''

More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.

''Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out now, Mommy.''

My child started pounding on the door.

''Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands? I want to go out!!''

I saw that my wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy? But as my child gave me a big, cheeky grin while rubbing bubbly soap between chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little one.

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three she lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses public restrooms)


Anonymous said...

Oh Kristie!

Thank you for sharing that - I'm in tears from laughing so hard.

I've had similar experiences, although thankfully none as bad as that.

That was absolutely precious!!

Semi-Slacker Mom said...

That sounds like something that would happen with Bo & Baby Girl!

Amanda said...

ohh I got one. How about being in the Wally-world bathroom and having my 3 year old get all freaked out and say "Mommy what is that red? Are your pee-pee hurt"

Now that was not only embarrassing, but she completely over-shared for me!

Kelli said...

That's great! Thanks for the laugh!

Heather said...

Too funny! I'm laughing with tears rolling down my face. I know it's only a matter of time before my two-year-old does something like that. I found your blog through A Southern Daydreamer, BTW. Nice to meet a fellow Georgian!

Stephanie said...

Oh my gosh...that was hilarious!!!

Elise said...

That is hilarious!! I am in tears here!! Found you thru Ga. bloggers.